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  • Writer's picturePaul Hopkins

A page a day..

I became a lying, cheating bastard. I talked to good friends about my problem for hours, the poor souls, but they were there for me. Gently advising and guiding. Understanding, yet confused I listened to them. But the struggle within me always won once again and there I would be, texting the wrong person and getting my fix. If only I could explain the feelings. But some of you will understand, oh that feeling…

Love comes into the equation as well. The question of what is love, am I in love, is this true love? I had never used Google so much in all my entire life, as I did over those nine months: How do I know if she loves me? Does she truly love me? What are the signs she loves me? What are signs she likes me? How do I know she is flirting? How do I make a move? What if I get it wrong? How do I know my wife loves me (stupid one) My wife does not communicate with me How to build a marriage back up Do affairs last? (Apparently only 3% do, but even then what if I am in the 3%... of course I will be) There are just a few that I Googled. Always searching, always looking for answers. Funny, the answer was always there, but not on Google. Google never supplied it. How could it? Google (which is essentially people) cannot tell you what to do, neither can anyone else? Nothing or no one could answer your dilemma. Why should they? They have their own troubles. You and me, we must answer our own questions. With help yes, with wise words yes. We can listen to advice but ultimately we need to decide and act. That is the problem though, when you are so deep into something you just get that drowning feeling. Which reminds me of a song that used to bring me to tears because of the anguish. This song came up on my play list when I was well and truly involved with Rose, But Mitchell just kept on fighting for me.

Belinda Carlisle: In Too Deep. I was high and dry Don't ask me why We took the wrong turn that day Out on that long lonely highway. The river was pounding below And how we crashed, I'll never know But suddenly I can't swim So this is drowning

Suddenly I'm in too deep To ever get out I gave you my heart and my soul to keep Don't give me your doubts I'm over my head And it's scaring me so I'm in too deep I'm in too deep Thanks for the crash course That ride upon your noble horse Well we jumped the fence that day And rode so far away Will I forever roam? I only want to come home So won't you throw me a line? I think it's really time Suddenly I'm in too deep To ever get out I gave you my heart and soul to keep Don't give me your doubts I'm over…

So, as I write this book and share my experiences and my musings of what I have learnt I am sure I will offend, or you will want to shout at me in disagreement and astonishment at what I say. But know this. I have learnt so much, and this education is on going. The affair ended, but the pain continues and so does the rationalisation, as I wonder sometimes aimlessly through life. Plus, I appreciate we all have different experiences and are all in different situations, so my experience may not be relatable. But this experience has brought me a new understanding of addictions or, maybe dare I say true love? I don’t know, maybe I myself will have more clarity and understanding by the time I have written this.

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