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  • Writer's picturePaul Hopkins

Affair Questions and Answers

Was there any mercy when you had your affair?

No! Looking back I think where was the mercy? There was none on my part. Not because I am a heartless person but because I was so rapped up in the affair and the feelings that all mercy for my partner disappeared.

How do you feel about that now?

Awful but I deal with it. I look back now and realise that the affair was like a bereavement to my partner. I disappeared!

I often relate to certain things either in life or on TV now and think to myself how lonely, heart broken and sad my partner was because of me.

It is hard to deal with that but it was my making and my mistake.

Was it intentional?

That is a question that will open a huge debate! Some people would say it was intentional because I choose to have an affair.

No. It was not intentional and not planned but yes I made a choice. However, that choice was not made with a sound mind. What I mean by that is, when I made the choice and crossed the line, I was already captive to the person I had the affair with. I was not rational and no way could I make a decision that would have brought a different outcome.

I could now, because I know how to stop the progression of feelings.

Some people would say that you carried out a malicious act, did you?

A lot of people think and say a lot of things, but if you have never been in the position you will never know what it is like. That is a fact!

But in answer to your question, It was not a malicious act even though it is a harsh and cruel place to but the betrayed person. Having an affair shifts your whole person and unfortunately priorities shift with it.

How did you and how do you now understand what the betrayed went through?

The pain that the betrayed goes through is seen at the time, but not recognised. This is hard to explain. You see the hurt but because you are so preoccupied with affair thoughts the pain you see is forgotten very quickly, this is because all you think about is the affair partner. Your priorities are all about the affair partner and the moment.

This is why it is so hard for the betrayed. There they are in the depths of disaster and hurt as they watch their loved one disappear into a place they cannot reach. What do they do. where do they go. It is a total loss! like death.

I never really understood this until my mind was clear. This was at least 2 - 3 years after the affair. Only then did I start to truly understand what my partner actually went through. Truly! I am still learning. But I am amazed at the strength that my partner showed and at how strong she is.

If you were to give words of advice to the betrayed what would they be?

So I can only advise from my side and by what I was going through.

It is also hard to give advice when I understand the pain that they are going through. But I will say that the person you love is hidden and the person you are dealing with is someone else.

Try to reach the real person. I think that is the only way. That will take time and skill but my partner managed to reach the real me. It took 9 months. But she got through to the hidden me and slowly the real me began to claw its way back which helped me make better decisions.

It was a bit like the nutty professor film. the real him being taken over by an egotistical maniac!

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