Post affair peace?

In one of my posts I asked, is there peace after an affair?

This is a tough question and really there are two people to answer this question.

So I will answer from my perspective which is the betrayer, and I will ask Mitchell as a guest to answer from her perspective as the betrayed.

So here goes. Is there peace. The short answer for me is no!

But please don't let that be a negative.

In fact there are positives. Let us focus on the positive first.

Peace is defined as freedom from disturbance.

So if I gauge peace let us say 1 to 10 (1being at peace and 10 no peace) Then I am at a relatively low number. Maybe a 3. Apposed to a 10 when I was having the affair.

However it still isn't that black and white because the number may change depending on the moment.

Some days I am a 3 but that may rise to a 6 depending on my state of mind and what I am processing at that moment.

If I think about Mitchell and the hell I put her through my peace level rises. I am haunted.

However if I think about what I have learnt and how I have changed my peace level drops back to a 3 or maybe below.

There are many factors to post affair psychology the mind can change in an instant by just a song you hear which reminds you of certain times.

I do try to dwell on the positives and how change has come along for the better. Albeit I wish in a different way.

I think to be at total peace as the betrayer after an affair maybe a sign of personality.

For me. I care therefore I feel therefore I am not at total peace.

I have hurt someone. Damaged them and the sad part is I can never ever fix that. That is what haunts me. But I manage that haunting. I have to.

So no I am not at peace. I have found a level but not complete peace. Will I ever? To be honest I am not sure. I suspect not. The level may drop further as time moves on.

The amazing part is this.

I do have peace about not having complete peace.

That is my choice and that is how I make sure the life lesson stays within sight.

To get over an affair is not easy. I hope that does not sound cheap?

The bottom line is you have been addicted and the effects of that addiction will be around for a very long time if not forever.

But as I have said before and will again. We are human. We do make mistakes. Let us learn from those mistakes and make a degree of peace.

My biggest concern and my biggest question is this, Is Mitchell at peace? I fear not. And that increases my number and takes it closer to 10.

Comments welcome.