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  • Writer's picturePaul Hopkins

Pre affair help

Updated: Aug 19, 2022

It is easy to discuss the post affair solutions, but today I thought we would jump all the way to pre affair solutions. Prevention is better than cure (as they say).

If you are worried about your relationship (and if your are not) it is a good idea to examine the relationship as it is, at that moment in time.

There are simple characteristics that you can take a look at and examine, which will give you an indication of whether action might be needed to; repair, resolve or improve the relationship.

What are these characteristics that you might see as missing? Well let’s take a look at 2 to begin with.

1. Communication.

Are you communicating regularly and openly?

Communication is a sign of closeness. If you can talk about problems, family, life and your relationship openly and comfortable then there is something right. However some of these conversations should be deep and probe into the real feelings and not just scratch the surface.

If there is silence and no talking, conversations, laughing, joking discussions on various topics then it would seem that this would be an indication of distance between you both.

Distance is not good and needs resolving asap. Once distance sets in other opportunities knock. For example conversations with other people, at the office, the gym the park etc. Once these conversations start an emotional connection can set in. This is danger zone! And action needs to happen.

Communication is a key part in any relationship and it can take work to keep comms open. However the rewards are great and bring a couple closer together.

Conversation never runs out. It is a person’s desire to converse that runs out. If this is the case, it needs to be addressed. However do not assume it is all the other person fault or problem. You have to look into the mirror as well, because it might be you that is un-engaging and in a zone of sameness.

Remember that conversation and engagement may not just magically happen. You may need to plan a method that captures the other persons attention. A surprise of some sort. It will take work but nothing is ever easy.

We need to look at the past and think about what we were like as fresh couples. What made us click, think alike, want to be together, interests etc. These are the keys to engagement which lead you through the door to emotional connection.

My challenge to you is:

· Stop.

· Think back to what was.

· Pick out those times that meant so much.

· Plan a way back to them.

If communication has stopped and just will not reconnect seek help. A good cognitive counsellor will be able to help with communication techniques which will help you bring back those missing and engaging conversations.

But it takes 2 to tango.

2. Time together.

In this life we all work hard. Children are demanding and life seems a continued busy period.

The days roll by.

· Get up

· Grab a coffee

· Go to work

· Come home

· Cook dinner

· Eat

· Gym

· Watch crap on TV

· Go to bed.

The weekends are slightly different:

· Get up

· Coffee

· Take the kids to whatever clubs they go to

· Do the chores

· Pick the kids up

· Maybe eat out with the kids

· Watch crap on TV

· Go to bed

The pattern seems never ending and to be honest, if no one try’s to change it, it will be never ending. No rocket science there!

However, we can change the schedule in ways that create time together. For example, you may decide to cook dinner together, over a glass of wine.

Or maybe you could turn off the crap on Tv and go for a walk together.

Maybe at the weekend you could drop the kids off together and then go and grab a coffee or lunch together.

The key is to break the norm and create some randomness, that creates a moment. The beauty is that this then creates communication and connection.

My challenge to you is:

· Change the schedule

· Go out for a drive

· Into the mountains or to the lake, the beach or the city

· Stop for a coffee

· Talk about the views

Let me know what the results are!

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