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  • Writer's picturePaul Hopkins

The lingering effects of an affair...

You do not simply just have an affair and move on!

The effects of an affair are for a life time. for all those involved. But today we look at the person who had the affair.

It isn't a case of stopping the affair and everything is normal.

Firstly, you are now branded! Yes you are a person capable of carrying out something that was believed to never be in your scope! You were trusted 100% (even though 100% trust is not necessarily a good thing).

You broke the trust, even though you chose to break the affair and chose to continue in your relationship.

One consequence of an affair is that the affair will be used in conversations as an example for many a year to come.

I sometimes speak of a feeling or a memory that happened many years before my affair and instantly it is related to the affair. How do I deal with that? I deal with that by retracting and disappearing into my world of whatever I want to think about, at that moment in time. I disengage and stop communicating. I stop sharing my feelings and avoid the conversation. All parts of me that are un-natural. All reactions that are unhealthy, non productive and damaging to a relationship. I know that, but I just cannot be bothered to even try and discuss the disconnect between my thought and the affair. Hence I end up like a broken beaten down, empty soul.

Even now I say things with good intent and the affair is mentioned. This can be really disappointing because I am trying to mend emotions and memories 5 years later. But this is all a consequence of having an affair.

As I have walked through life and met people along the way, I have met certain individuals that look so beaten down, that they have just given up. Eyes with no life. empty souls wondering if and why they chose this or that!

They comply, they do as they are told, they have no opinion that counts.

I have never asked the question, but now I wonder if they made a mistake, had an affair! Chose to mend their marriage, but for the rest of their days they will live with a constant remembrance that is forced upon them. Maybe not as a punishment, but as an act stemmed from the hurt they caused. An un-be-known slight against them and their new found character.

I chose to re-build my marriage. But I did not choose to be constantly reminded of my past paths that I chose to let go.

A tough topic, as I know that the person who had to deal with the trauma of the affair is dealing with memories and hurt.

I guess my point is this:

  1. There are life long consequences of having an affair. If you have an affair you will never be seen as the same. You will be in a group of people that are branded. When have you ever been in a group of people and openly declared that you had an affair. Never! Why because you know what will happen. You will be judged.

  2. There a many consequences of having an affair. Think before you act.

So the lesson is..

You both chose to continue in your relationship and to make it work. Be sensitive to one another. Think before you speak. Work together. Be honest, but caring.

Move forward. Learn from the past but do not live in it. Look to the future.

Empty soul

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