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  • Writer's picturePaul Hopkins

In the line of - affair - fire!

There you are minding your own business when suddenly everything changes. No plan, no pre-meditation just caught in the line of fire. Again no excuse but it does happen.

What does this mean. It means what it says.

A surge or circumstances hit like waves, and before you know it you are hooked on a path to memories lost and found, that haunt you.

So how do you recognise and prepare yourself for such a circumstance?

Firstly you need to watch the waves.

The first wave is your relationship. This wave can sneak up on you. It tends to be small but it also gathers momentum. This wave carries a variety of concerns and often brings relationship issues that are becoming bigger than they should be.

At this point you must challenge the issue. Do not let it take root. Seek advice and help. Keep communication open.

Hopefully, this will help keep your relationship in a productive place. It may not be perfect but at least you are making an effort to make it the best that it can be.

The second wave is more striking and it is bigger. More luring, forceful and sweeps you off of your feet unexpectantly.

This is when a person enters your presence and catches your attention. Not necessarily on purpose but subconsciously, something causes you to focus on this person, they captivate you. Maybe it is personality, looks, humour etc. This is where you need to be on the alert and get back on your feet quickly. However this is also where it becomes dangerous in terms of lure and desire, as the dope (dopamine) begins to feed off of your thoughts and feed your thoughts and leads to one high that wants and leads to another. The circle of doom.

If you are offered crack say no. If you are offered the chance of a connection, say no.

This is where you must take control. If you do not take control at this point then you are going to be hit hard by wave three.

But how do you take control. What a great question! here is the answer - Don't go there. Control your mind. Do not engage, react etc. However, in the perfect world this would be easy.

People do forget that an affair (as cruel and as wrong as it is), is not always a walk away scenario, but people will blame the person that has had the affair because they do not want to look at their own issues within a relationship.

We also need to think about wave one here, your relationship and how it is not perfect at the moment! Therefore you may be seeking something you are not getting. So, wave two looks like it needs surfing. Oh dear!

Dope is needing its fix. So, you reluctantly feed it. And dope feels good, right!

The third wave is the connection. Whilst dope is being fed with pleasant thoughts from flirting, laughter etc. and the two of you are opening up about life, problems and what the future would ideally hold for you, (hmm hang on, isn't this what you should be doing with your wife or partner, Let's push that thought aside because that does not, please or satisfy dope) a connection is being built. This connection is like a bridge, it is built to hold tight through all weathers and allows permanent contact and between you and your new connection buddy, at any time, that being morning, noon and night.

Oh dear. This is now a step too far and there is now investment into the new person. So much investment that it has stirred up to many feelings to be ignored. This is when you find that your back is against the wall. "Love" AKA lust, is gaining on you and you are now at that stage where you want to take that chance. You try to talk yourself out of it but the reality is, you stand no chance! At this point you could beat yourself black and blue but you would still defend the cause. Dope is now the ruler here. You are now a slave to dope and the cause. At this point, you are happy with that.

The fourth wave is where the wave drags you out to the depths, so far that you are in too deep to be able to do anything but tread water. However, you survive on dope. Dope provides all the adrenaline you need to continue your floundering. So, you continue to talk, meet, connect mentally and physically with your new source of pleasure which feeds dope.

You are now in this fully, you are on the full journey. How long will it last? There is no answer. There is nothing and there is no one that can reach you. You are on your own. No matter how many life lines you are thrown, you will and do refuse to grab them.

However, you cannot tread water indefinitely. Fatigue will set in. You become exhausted. So, with a whole lot of nothing you are now on your way to where? No where!

Wave five.

Wave five thrusts you back to land with a retribution, like the ragdoll you are. You are exhausted, limp, mentally drained and regretful in so many ways that you are ashamed, nevertheless dope still tries to taunt you back into the void that tossed you out, dope did not and will not ever care about you, dope just wants a feed. Your tears were lost in the water and were nothing but a drop in the ocean.

You manage to lift your head and look around. What do you see?

I know what I saw. That was my wife, who showed amazing strength, courage, wisdom and everything that I ever needed or lacked.

I was extremely fortunate.

Many that get washed back up on the beach raise their head and see nothing! No one there to help them, no friends, no family and nothing but an island of unknowns.

This is a message to those in the line of fire. Make the right decision and take heed! Watch carefully, be careful, be vigilant, and be on the lookout.

If you are in doubt, seek help. Even if that is a good counsellor. Talking to the right person brings equilibrium.

Caught by the wave

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