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  • Writer's picturePaul Hopkins

Affair Bargaining - All the whys.

Ahh the bargaining began! From day 1 the internal bargaining started. Should I, or shouldn't I.? Why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't I.

Blind at this point to all rational thinking!

The reasoning, the debating, the questioning, the deal making, and the deal breaking. All with yourself. A full on debate. However, there is never an answer. You will not find the answer. You are at this point, on a journey to being a betrayer.

You are looking for terms and conditions that just do not exist. It would be great if they did, as you might get favourable conditions (dream on), this is reality not some fantasy.

But still, when you enter into an affair you look for reasoning and to get that reasoning you bargain with yourself. No matter the obstruction, you will bargain your way around it excusing the actions until in the end you make the decision. The bad decision.

But the bargaining does not stop there. No matter how long the affair lasts (average 2 years) you will bargain your way through.

The reasons, well:

  • You want the best of both worlds

  • Fear of loosing someone

  • You enjoy the euphoria

  • It becomes an addiction

  • etc

The interesting thing is, in the moment these are all very legitimate to you at the time. This is real and the emotions are real, even though miss perceived. Because of this the bargaining is exhausting and takes over your mind set. It becomes un-rational and biased.

Interestingly you end up bargaining for a variety of possibilities:

  1. The partner you are with. The one you are hurting.

  2. You affair partner. The one you think you are in love with.

  3. You bargain for reasons (excuses).

  4. You bargain for legitimacy.

  5. You bargain for release.

  6. and so it goes on...

Overall, bargaining serves as a means for us to achieve our objectives. the problem here is that our objectives are not clear. We are drugged up on dopamine and in a place where there is no clarity and no chance of clarity for a while. This place is exhausting not just for the person having the affair, but for your partner, friends and family. It is so exhausting it does cause burnout. You can only burn a candle at both ends for so long!

The key here is at the very beginning, when that bargaining starts. If you are strong enough and wise enough you may seek help. That help may help you understand why you are bargaining yourself out of something good. Think about that!

The reality here, is that at this point, emotions and euphoria have taken over your ability to bargain well. In essence you cannot bargain properly due to your emotional state. The only remedy here is shock treatment. However, this will come later.

This means there are troubled times ahead. Get prepared!

So, what is the key here? There is no key for the person involved in the affair. Unfortunately they are gone, and fighting their own battle!

For the person left, well unfortunately this is where your bargaining begins.

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