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  • Writer's picturePaul Hopkins

Dealing with the whys?

There are so many questions around an affair.

If I was to list the questions this would be a very long blog and I don't think people actually understand the impact of an affair.

It starts with one person, then two, then three, then so many more and all of those people have questions.

Those questions are complicated and linked to each persons pathway in the affair.

Each step and each question dismantles the jigsaw and throws it piece by piece into the box it came from. We end up with a broken dismantled jigsaw.

I don't believe that an affair will ever become a completed story or picture, there are just to many angles and perspectives.

The questions lead to more questions, which lead to doubt, assumptions, actions both bad and good, promises, heart ache, emotions, wondering, self doubt, shame, loneliness and so many whys?

The whys are often the hardest part, and the whys are often accompanied by the what ifs?

Why did they leave? What if I had done this or that different? These whys and ifs continue and can drive us mad. Not only mad but they put us in positions that are not necessarily true, or good for us.

But the question is how do we deal with the whys?

The truth is that there is no real answer. We can seek advice, counsel, friendship, therapy, read books or other, but the truth is we are human and that means it is a process.

That process is a healing process which takes time.

It is true, time is the great healer to a point.

There is a huge dust cloud after an affair and that cloud needs to settle.

There is no quick fix. No reboot button and no rewind.

What is done, is done.

However, an understanding can help with the healing.

During an affair we all have a position. A bit like a chess game. We can see the others positions but we are not the others, therefore we do not know what took them to that position. We Don't know what the others are actually thinking. We can to a degree relate to them, but we do not feel or connect with what they are actually going through and to be fair what they are going through is huge. This is a momentous, significant and life changing event, but we are so absorbed with our own position, we are visibly seeing, not actually connecting. Therefore we are only relating to the other person on a very low level.

So how do we overcome the whys?

We can only do this by relating deeply to what the other person is going through. We have to connect with their position.

If we can read what they are going through we may be able to answer some and only some of the whys.

For example, I often ask why did my affair partner not commit more? If I put myself in their position the answer may be due to fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of a mistake. Or maybe they were waiting for commitment from me, maybe they did not understand my position which may have been confusion or lack of understanding, maybe I was wanting something but never explained what. So, it was misunderstood.

Or, If you look at the persons wife or husband who is in totally breakdown and is in shock, unable to respond or responds with hate not because of hate, but because of pure hurt and pain due to betrayal. All of these factors and so many more are complex thoughts that we do not see.

If we try to see or understand the deep root of a reaction we may just be Ble to deal with the whys a little better.

However, we will not be able to understand many of the whys, and that is where we have to say, I will never know!

And that is ok.

Our thoughts are deep and our actions are a response to our individual understanding or lack of understanding during a time of pure emotion and stress.

We will not come out of this unscathed.

I hope that helps a little.

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