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  • Writer's picturePaul Hopkins

I disagree...Or do I? Is the old marriage really dead and gone?

As you will know we had a guest post before this one and I wanted to pick up on one point from that post.

The comment was:

  1. However, in order for our relationship to rebuild and grow we have had to accept that our old marriage (even the good elements) is dead and cannot be resurrected. Our current marriage is a now a new beginning a second chance.

I found this statement quiet shocking in that surely all aspects of the marriage are not dead! Or am I wrong? Does this mean that all the good times we did have, are now just obliterated into nothing?

I still ponder on the good times. Crikey without those memories I may as well give up!

We all have bad experiences in life and just because a bad experience comes along it does not mean we wash all memories away. Surely the old good memories are useful?

I do agree that the marriage is new and that there is a new model which developed from the lessons of the past and I cannot just abandon the old.

Maybe this is a perspective thing and it depends on which side of the affair you were on? However, I would hope that there are elements of the marriage to remember.

The fact is that even though I fell into the affair and even though I was another person at the time, I am still the same person! Just because I had an affair does not change the man I am. I made a mistake and I made some bad decisions, I put my hands up to that but this trauma has been a huge learning curve that has defined a character.

Or is an affair just so damaging that all memories that are pre affair are wiped from the memory banks due to the person not being who they thought they were? Is this what happens after an affair? That the person who had the affair is now a totally different person? No memories of the old person count or are allowed to exist.

If this is the case why is the marriage continuing? If the person is so different and memories are not worth anything anymore then surely the person you once new (and the memories you once held which mean nothing) is not the person you married and all the qualities you married them for, are forgotten?

I disagree. If the marriage is worth saving, it is worth saving for a reason. What are those reasons? are they:

  • The person was caring

  • Compassionate

  • loving

  • Generous

  • Funny

  • Good looking

  • A good parent

  • Good in bed

  • Protective

  • etc

I do accept that these elements disappear during the affair and because of this the fall out effect is great, However are these qualities gone for good?

I guess the question is, are these qualities forgotten and disassembled and it is now a case of having to prove that these qualities exist again?

If it is a case, of having to prove this then I am not sure on the fate of the marriage? Or am I wrong? Did I have to prove those qualities all those years ago through meeting, dating and the marriage pre the affair?

Thinking about this from the other side and the from the side of the betrayed maybe that is how the person is able to move on and continue with the marriage. That is sad as all those years of building and making memories was nothing more than just life itself. It is sad that one person falls and makes such a mistake that life is just a facet that can be wiped clean. But then if I was the betrayed is that how i would want it?

I will ponder some more but it does trouble me that all memories of old are dead! But maybe that is something I need to adjust to and as part of the healing process use this opportunity to enjoy building the new marriage and new memories.

So maybe I have answered the question. Yes I have to reprove my worth through being a new example and be reinstating all the qualities I once had but threw away when I had an affair!

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2 commenti

04 dic 2020

From my perspective it is how I see the marriage before the affair and how the affair changed how I view the marriage. Not so much that the marriage is dead or forgoton just changed.

By that I mean I never expected the one I love to do this to me. So my marriage before the affair I saw my partner as faultless, but now I know that they are not faultless. This kind of changes how I see the marriage. It is hard to describe by I understand the post.

Not sure if anyone can describe it better then me?

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Paul  Hopkins
Paul Hopkins
08 dic 2023
Risposta a

Totally agree. The affair changed the view of the marriage, which is really important to understand during the healing process. And yes the marriage might not be dead as it would take 2 people to agree to that. Also interesting about the faultless remark and that is something that needs a post.

Thank you.

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