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  • Writer's picturePaul Hopkins

Post affair

Memories, feelings, emotions all stay with you. There is no switch to turn these feelings off, so envitatably when your affair ends you will still be in a state of emotional torment (bereavement)

This is really hard to deal with. Why?

Well you have made a decision and in your mind, the right decision. Well done, but these emotions just will not go away and haunt you day in day out.

You try to hide this state of mind from your partner but the reality is they know!

So how do you deal with all of this? How do you deal with the constant torment of the past and how that affects your future?

These are the things we just do not think about pre affair. But why would we? If we could see into the future and the state we end up in (post affair) would we still have an affair? Yes! That is a brave statement.

However, after the affair the journey is a long uphill stoney slippery track.

I don't mean to put you off. You took the right path and the path is worth it, if you persist, learn and develop along the way.

And that is the key. If we never reflect we never progress.

The key to post affair recovery and partnership is reflection. Not just as an individual but as a couple.

This is very difficult. Why would you want to open up to the one you have just destroyed? Because you both need to understand the state of mind now. If not it could fail!

My marriage only just survived the affair and my marriage only just survived the post affair rebuild.

You would think that the marriage rebuild would be the easy part. I won't lie, it is not.

It takes a lot of adjustment and patience to come out the other end. The good news is that it is worth it because if you manage to get there you will be more astute, thoughtful, respectful, have more understanding and be wiser.

But it takes time. When the affair ends it is like going through a bereavement.

Sadness, confusion, memories, questions and so much more will haunt you.

But remember this, when you make that decision to end your affair you are deciding to move forward into a future that is not only a gift but that is also challenge.

Choices are not easy when the future is painted to be hard. But a future based on a fantasy is not easy either.

However, the proof of the can do is out there.

So team up with you wife/husband support each other. Be honest to each other and yourself. You will both need to be strong and forgiving.

Try to look past the dark and focus on the glimmer of light that is calling you to a good place once again.

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