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  • Writer's picturePaul Hopkins

Time changes everything! Oh no - that would be rational thinking

Updated: Feb 21, 2022

4 Years Later

I was thinking about how I felt 4 years later after the affair. What has changed and how do I feel now compared to 1 year later.

It is true that time is what is needed. Time is the real contributor to how your psychology changes and how the scale from an uncontrollable thought process to normal thought process takes place over time.

In comparison for me (as the perpetrator), one year after the affair I was a mess.

Thoughts hounded me uncontrollably. My thoughts were uncontrollable and I felt like I was spiralling out of control with diverse emotions. I am usually an in control kind of person, so this was not normal for me at all at all, which did not help matters.

My emotions at the time were continually battling with each other. It was a repeated replay of question in my mind and there was no rationality to any thought.

The thoughts were at war:

· Loss vs gain

· Scepticism vs surety

· Lost love vs love

· Failure vs overcome

· Diffuse vs extreme sorrow

· Yearning vs overlooking

· Reminiscing vs shame

Over and over again. This took its toll on me and my marriage and to be honest it was not looking good, which was another added concern.

At that point I was very tormented psychologically and my mental health was taking a huge hit. So much so that I was think that I would rather put an end to the misery rather than continually struggling to overcome and see the good in life. Mitchell had stuck by me through all of this and even though I was grateful I could not focus on that at all.

So I sought help. I went back to my counsellor (who is mentioned in the book and there is a link on the website) This was a very important step as I needed to talk to an independent person. This helped align my thinking.

I also approach my doctor. I needed my thought patterns to level out so that I could think logically. I choose to take fluoxetine to help with the extreme lows.

That is what an affair conceals from you. Yes, at the time of an affair there are highs and those highs sweep over all the truths. The horrifying reality is locked away by euphoria and fantasy.

However, what about the now and the 4 years later. What is the difference?

So, this is interesting for me. These questions help me examine this huge part of my life and examine the human nature around the drive for love.

4 years later I still have the same thoughts. However (and this is very important) the thoughts are more controlled and less frequent. I still question the what ifs. But I kind of know that answers. The trouble is humans just do not believe because there is always the ‘not true until tried concept’ clause!

What does these mean for me?

It simply means that the affair was an explosion in my life, which was a life changing event and it will never be forgotten. There are other life changing events that people go through other than affairs, cancer, war, poverty, addiction etc.

But if I get down to the nitty gritty and if I actually reflect on the person and my feelings for that person, what do I actually think now. Was it an affair or was it more?

This is a hard question because I think there is more to love than emotion. As I explain in my book love is action and not just a feeling. Humans are so complicated emotionally that irrational behaviour is inevitable without answers.

However, connection is a huge part of human behaviour and I believe that no connection leads to unhappiness. This is why we choose friends that like similar activities or thoughts.

Truth is sometimes I still dream. But a dream is just a movie.

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